Stupid quotes, jokes, or otherwise
Here are a few of mine, actually my dad's. Post yours if you have any. (Note: One may consider some of these racist (A short number) If you do, just say so and I'll remove it. I try not to be racist, but the jokes are sometimes funny)
In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.
More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and 2 million critiques later, this is it:
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
National Tastes, or Lack Thereof
Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.
People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK — where are you from, jackass?"
Europeans Dig Surreal Gags
Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."'
Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."'
In Scotland, Death Earns Laughs
Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
And animals figured prominently. Take the No. 1 joke in England:
"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk."'
Germans Laugh Most
The survey revealed other fun facts:
Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.
If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.
The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick." Researchers said no one ever found it funny.
Send someone over quickly!" Granny screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window! "This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department." "No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!" YA'LL HAVE A GOOD DAY NOW ... YA HEAR
Subject: Immigrant from Afghanistan Immigrant from Afghanistan Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan. He was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into da odder room, poop in der bucket an' pee on da poop, and den put your head down over da bucket and breathe in da fumes for ten minutes." Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "Dokter....It worked. I feel terrific! "What was wrong with me?" The doctor said, "Nuttin' wrong......you was jest homesick".
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy
> who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been
> stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates."
>
> Here are some more of his gems:
>
> To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
> research.
>
> I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
>
> Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
>
> Half the people you know are below average.
>
> 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
>
> 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
>
> A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
>
> A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
>
> If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
>
> All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
>
> The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
> cheese. (Think about it some more.)
>
> I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
>
> OK, so what's the speed of dark?
>
> How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
>
> If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
> something.
>
> Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
>
> When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
>
> Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
>
> Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
>
> I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
>
> If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
>
> Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
>
> What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
>
> My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
> horn louder."
>
> Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
>
> If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
>
> A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
>
> Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
>
> The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
> bread.
>
> The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
>
> The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
>
> The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
> on it.
>
> Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Here are a few of mine, actually my dad's. Post yours if you have any. (Note: One may consider some of these racist (A short number) If you do, just say so and I'll remove it. I try not to be racist, but the jokes are sometimes funny)
In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.
More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and 2 million critiques later, this is it:
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
National Tastes, or Lack Thereof
Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.
People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK — where are you from, jackass?"
Europeans Dig Surreal Gags
Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."'
Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."'
In Scotland, Death Earns Laughs
Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
And animals figured prominently. Take the No. 1 joke in England:
"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk."'
Germans Laugh Most
The survey revealed other fun facts:
Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.
If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.
The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick." Researchers said no one ever found it funny.
Send someone over quickly!" Granny screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window! "This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department." "No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!" YA'LL HAVE A GOOD DAY NOW ... YA HEAR
Subject: Immigrant from Afghanistan Immigrant from Afghanistan Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan. He was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into da odder room, poop in der bucket an' pee on da poop, and den put your head down over da bucket and breathe in da fumes for ten minutes." Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "Dokter....It worked. I feel terrific! "What was wrong with me?" The doctor said, "Nuttin' wrong......you was jest homesick".
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy
> who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been
> stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates."
>
> Here are some more of his gems:
>
> To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
> research.
>
> I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
>
> Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
>
> Half the people you know are below average.
>
> 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
>
> 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
>
> A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
>
> A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
>
> If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
>
> All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
>
> The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
> cheese. (Think about it some more.)
>
> I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
>
> OK, so what's the speed of dark?
>
> How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
>
> If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
> something.
>
> Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
>
> When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
>
> Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
>
> Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
>
> I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
>
> If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
>
> Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
>
> What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
>
> My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
> horn louder."
>
> Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
>
> If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
>
> A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
>
> Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
>
> The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
> bread.
>
> The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
>
> The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
>
> The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
> on it.
>
> Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.