AB, listen up. I don't know exactly what's going on with your brain, but I think I know the fear you're feeling. It's a seriously scary thing to not be able to think straight. To have to live with the screaming white noise that is the chaos in your head. It's made worse because most people out there have no fucking clue just how terrifying and frustrating that can really be. They get mad at you because you're not paying attention to them, it never occurs to them that you CAN'T. They have not experienced years of being told that they're stupid, or lazy, or not adequately motivated. I'm none of those things. But I've heard it all of my life. Believe me I totally understand choosing the path that may kill you...just so you can have a moment or two of normalcy and acceptance. I get that. I've never thought life was about quantity, I'd rather have quality. Something I've not had that much of. I have no idea how I'm going to adjust, or if I will. I feel sometimes like quitting is going to mean losing myself. I don't expect anyone to understand how much that scares me. I'm not sure they can.
People seem to have trouble accepting what they have no experience with. Or what they can't imagine. All I can say is this has nothing to do with being a coward, or a baby, and it's not lack of motivation. It's certainly not lack of willpower. Anyway I personally can't put it off any longer, so I'll not be around for a bit until I'm feeling better. AB don't start, find an alternative. Whatever it is. Talk to your Docs, MAKE them listen to you. You don't want to end up sick. Trust me it SUCKS.
Anyway good luck AB (and everyone else). Give me a couple of weeks...and I'll be back.
And AB, if you've started smoking I WILL beat you, and trust me, you won't like it.